tales from the belly of the whale

“But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. Jonah 1:3

So they took up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging. Jonah 1:15

Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.” Jonah 1:17

I wish I could say I went right back to following Jesus after I lost my children and everything else I had. But instead I spent many years in great depression, periods of great sin and rebellion, I even tried to end my life. Each time the Lord intervened and I lived when I didn’t want to. It took a long time for me to finally come to the place where I could believe that Jesus cared about me, would forgive me and that He might even still love me. It took awhile before I was able to be sober and celibate. Jesus said He wanted me to live, He still wanted to bless me, and He had a purpose for my life.

A couple of years before i lost custody after I gave my life to the Lord I was living in a small town and reading the bible whenever I could. I had been reading these scriptures about God creating storms and lightening and snow and things like that, scriptures like this:

At the brightness that was before him his thick clouds passed, hail stones and coals of fire. The Lord also thundered in the heavens, and the Highest gave his voice; hail stones and coals of fire. Yea, he sent out his arrows, and scattered them; and he shot out lightnings, and discomfited them. Then the channels of waters were seen, and the foundations of the world were discovered at thy rebuke, O Lord, at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils. Psalms 18:12-15

I remember one day I was reading something like this :

The clouds poured out water: the skies sent out a sound: thine arrows also went abroad. The voice of thy thunder was in the heaven: the lightnings lightened the world: the earth trembled and shook. Psalms 77:17-18

Right after I read that one, a lady and her kids came walking up the alley from their house about three houses down. She said she was a christian and I shared that scripture with her, and I said how amazing it was that even the storms and lightening were His works. She said she didn’t believe that and I wasn’t supposed to take the bible literally and went back home. In the middle of the night there was a huge storm and a terrible crack that shook my whole house. The next morning I went up the alley and in that ladies yard was a huge tree, probably 60 ft tall, split in two and still smoking! I don’t know what she thought because she never spoke to me again, but I was impressed. I went from believing to knowing! I prayed for her, that the Lord wouldn’t wipe her out but have mercy on her family like He did me and that she wouldnt be scared. I now knew with my whole heart that the Lord creates lightening! Every storm after that I would go outside and watch and just stand in awe of God. I wasn’t thinking about that lady anymore I was just trying to know more about the Lord.

The Lord showed me this scripture, (I didn’t like the idea that some had told me ‘ God just sent from heaven and wiped people out at His whims’.)

O my God, make them like a wheel; as the stubble before the wind. As the fire burneth a wood, and as the flame setteth the mountains on fire; So persecute them with thy tempest, and make them afraid with thy storm. Fill their faces with shame; that they may seek thy name, O Lord. Psalms 83:12-16

The whole purpose was that they might seek Him! I love that.

Later He showed me a visual picture of the flood that lasted 40 days and 40 nights and impressed on me that it was 40 days and 40 nights of Gods very tears. I stopped viewing God as VENGANCE! VENGANCE! VENGANCE! I began to see Him as a God with such love that I could not comprehend.

So years later when I went whole heartedly back to the world, I began drinking and sleeping around again as often as i could and one day I was reading the bible, (don’t know why cause I didn’t do that much anymore), and I saw this:

The Lord thundered from heaven, and the most High uttered his voice. And he sent out arrows, and scattered them; lightning, and discomfited them. 2 Sam 22:14-15

And this:

Bow thy heavens, O Lord, and come down: touch the mountains, and they shall smoke. Cast forth lightning, and scatter them: shoot out thine arrows, and destroy them. Psalms 144:5-6

  I remembered that ladies tree with whisps of smoke coming out of it, when I thought about lightening aiming at ME I repented on the spot and I cancelled every date I had planned. I wanted to get a tee shirt made that said, “honey I’d love to…but I believe in lightening and the God that sends it!”

  Trigger warning this section deals with suicidal thoughts.

A note for the following section: If you have used the threat of suicide to get attention from people, or to make someone feel sorry for you, or to make them feel guilty so they will do what you want, please repent quickly. You don’t have to be ashamed to admit it to Jesus if you feel you are not getting enough attention, or if you really want someone to do more for you. He understands things like that and will help you and satisfy your soul and fill your needs, but the threat of killing yourself is not the way to get your needs met. If we walk around playing with darkness we eventually invite it in, and darkness always rushes in an open doorway.

I have included this section is for people that have felt deep depression and are seeking Jesus’ help out of it. There are times when the gray cloud of depression settles in on lives and people just don’t know what to do. Jesus can blow those clouds far away but He doesn’t always do it suddenly. We bring things to the Light, because evil grows in the dark, when we bring it to the Lord and others, it loses its power. Jesus knows what it feels like when everyone flees from you and you feel all alone. the disciples scattered and He went to the cross alone.

… a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief… Isaiah 53:3

What the church sometimes forgets or doesn’t want to talk about is that many godly men have had periods of depression.

So many things befell Job that he said: Why died I not from the womb? why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly?  Job 3:11

Jeremiah had so many troubles and so few friends that he said:

Cursed be the day wherein I was born: let not the day wherein my mother bare me be blessed. Cursed be the man who brought tidings to my father, saying, A man child is born unto thee; making him very glad. And let that man be as the cities which the Lord overthrew, and repented not: and let him hear the cry in the morning, and the shouting at noontide; Because he slew me not from the womb; or that my mother  might have been my grave, and her womb to be always great with me. Wherefore came I forth out of the womb to see labour and sorrow, that my days should be consumed with shame?  Jer 20:14-18

and the apostle paul:

For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life: But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead: Who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver: in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us; 2 Cor 1:8-10

Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. Psalms 55:22

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matt 11:28

And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. John 14:16-18

I know that these can seem like empty words when you are in great depression and hopelessness so I am going to tell you a story about me and my walk with depression. Without the Holy Spirit, and sometimes even when we are filled, we can’t receive comfort, kind words people say just fall to the ground. We don’t want to look up to Jesus for help, we just want it all to end. I have felt like that before.

When I was about 30 a very dear friend of mine killed herself. She had been enduring a lot of domestic violence at home, people in the church were too busy to bother with her, she couldn’t find a friend.  Lots of people said things like people go straight to hell if they kill themselves, I don’t believe that that is always the case. Somewhere deep inside I tucked away the notion that if it got too bad I would do that too.

When I first got saved and had joy in Jesus, at church I was welcomed into the womens bible studys but only to listen, never to offer any input. I felt like I was at God’s playground but wasn’t worthy to share the swings. I didn’t fit in their inner circle. Jesus comforted and encouraged me when I turned to Him or read the bible,  but when my marriage ended I had times of deep depression, I didn’t want to read the bible and i didnt feel like turning to Him after so many times when He hadnt fixed things for me. I felt that God had forsaken me, the church sure had. I felt I never fit in anywhere, always on the outside. Being a mother had kept me going, my kids gave me purpose in life.  But when I lost custody of my children and I wasn’t allowed to see them for a year I didnt have that anymore. I was way mad at God, that was all I had done for the last 16 or 17 years, raise my babies. I moved to another city and got even more depressed. I drank beer when I had bad flashbacks and one day I decided to end my life. I couldn’t bear not seeing my kids. even though I hadn’t picked the book up for over a year, I opened the bible and saw this scripture:

And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them. Rev 9:6 I flipped it open and that’s where it landed!

I ignored Him. I was riding the bus to jump off a nearby bridge (I had to sell my truck earlier). And as we neared the bridge two really old ladies sitting in front of me got all excited. The one said, “Rusty! Is that it? Is that the bridge you jumped off?” “yes, that’s it alright! The Lord wouldn’t let me die, I survived just fine!”

I couldn’t believe it- God was following me! That was a very tall bridge and a very old lady! I slumped in my seat and kept going on the bus and went home. I was honest with my therepest and the Psychiatrist put me on antidepressants. Those sort of worked and I was ok for awhile. The deep depression inside came back though.

Jesus showed me this scripture:  And your covenant with death shall be disannulled, and your agreement with hell shall not stand… Isaiah 28:18

and this one:

 And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them. Rev 9:6

 All I could think about were the bad things that had happened to me all my life and how I had nothing. no future, no hope. Failed in the world, failed in church. I got very depressed again even in spite of being able to see my children again on weekends. I got so depressed that I decided to jump off the bridge in the new town I was in. My life was so full of despair I couldn’t see any reason to go on. I decided to do it right, take no chances. instead of walking out onto the bridge deck and jumping, I would wade out to the first support pillar and climb up it and jump from just under the deck so no one would see me and call for help. I swallowed all 5 bottles of meds I had for various things, very strong meds that said, do not take more than 3 of these in 24 hrs. I got a six pack of 16oz beers and drank them and walked down to the shore. I finished the beers and waded out toward the pillar. I got about waist deep and all of the sudden some otters started barking at me and swimming toward me and hissing, there were 6 or 8 of them! they were otters from hell! I thought, maybe those meds hit me already, but when I stepped back out of fear of those otters I noticed I had been standing on a dead salmon.  I went back to the shore and the otters were happy again. I thought, man I need another beer. I was kinda lit by then and so I walked up the beach and headed for the mini market for another beer. I was soaking wet and covered with wet sand but that didn’t occur to me, I was still kinda shaken by that otter thing. A police car was driving by and I remember vaguely him asking my name and then I remember an ambulance and the next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital and seeing this very large very jolly mental health professional and I said “@#$%# “. 

I couldn’t believe I was still alive. He laughed and said, “I knew you’d thank me!” Then I spent some time in a lock up place for people like me who tried to end their lives.  A couple days after I got out my friend Tye come up to me, (he didn’t know anything about my adventure) but he said, ” you should never try to kill yourself, it never works. God wont let it work. You just end up hurting yourself, then you end up in the hospital and have to push a button to poop, and they get ya the worlds ugliest nurse!” I said, “yeah, Tye I know, and God will even send sea otters to keep you alive!”

I never tried that again.

It occurred to me then that God wasn’t going to let me kill myself.  I pray for anyone that I even think is depressed and tell them, give it up, don’t even go there. I went back to my therepest and she said things like, life will get better if you deal with your issues, you will have a life worth living again. I didn’t really believe her but I wasn’t willing to see what God would send if I tried killing myself again.  I remembered that when I was in high school a woman in town had cut her wrists  and her husband had come home. He rushed her to the hospital and they saved her life but she had cut both tendons in her wrists and spent the rest of her life unable to use her hands.

The only time my depression came back that intensely was a  year or so ago and I began channel surfing through the tv.  I stopped to watch the tbn channel for a moment. right as I stopped on that channel a young woman in a wheelchair rolled in and transferred to the guest chair, she had no legs. She told the story of how she had tried to end her life by laying down on the train tracks. The train came and rolled over her, she said she felt something holding her head down. She lost her legs but God kept her alive. She said He told her He wouldn’t let her spend eternity in hell, she got saved and is one of the most joyful and vibrant people I have ever seen.

Sometimes my psychiatrist asks me if I have thoughts of suicide anymore, and I tell her “honestly, I hate this world, I often want out of it, but God won’t let me kill myself and I am not going to even try anymore because I would just be left spending my time here injured with more troubles than I already have.” I don’t know what she thinks when I say things like that, but Jesus isn’t afraid of my honesty, He told me to be honest with Him.

I let Him deal with some of the issues I have and it has gotten better, I have some really great days now. Some days are still not what I wish they were but they are tolerable. I am able to let Jesus’ comfort in now. I’m not on antidepressants any longer and Jesus has taken the gray cloud of depression away. He has given me a purpose and a hope.

If you are struggling with serious depression ask for help. Ask for prayer and counseling at your church, if that isnt enough, or if they tell you things like just try harder and memorize these scriptures, pray and ask for outside help. If your church will make you feel sinful for seeking counseling, or taking medications for a season, consider whether Jesus wants you to try to please them, or if He wants you to get help, even secular help. If you had been injured badly as a child and only had one leg, and then you got saved, would they condemn you for not having two legs? would they say to you “throw away your prosthesis and walk, where is your faith?” They just can’t see the inside injuries.

 The book Pilgrim’s Progress, is a classic widely recognized christian allegory that was written in about 1660 by John Bunyan. In it there is a part where Christian and his friend are captured by Giant Despair and cast into Doubting Castle. They spend days locked in there, and the giant bids them to destroy themselves.Together they finally get out. Christian went through the Slough of Despond by himself and couldn’t get out until a man came and helped him.

It is ok to need help. Ask Jesus to keep you from injuring yourself trying to find a way out that is against His will. Ask Him to send help, and when He does, be honest with them. Many christians had told me that it was wrong to seek counseling but I had to go to a therepest anyway because of the terms of my probation. What I found was a christian therepest that believed that Jesus had called her to work in a public mental health agency. The agency was low income, her pay was much less than she could have gotten probably anywhere else. She did it because she felt led to and because she cared about people, even the least of them. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, Jesus will help you even if you can’t hear Him. Ask Him to send the Comforter, and wise people to help you.

Elijah was a prophet that had won a great victory and then he got afraid and despondent.

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers. And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again. And the angel of the Lord came again the second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat;  1 Kings 19:4-7

Elijah then went to a mountain and into a cave. Therepests might call that isolating. The Lord appeared to Him there and spoke with Him. It is a great story. God didn’t make him feel bad or shame him, he fed him, gave him rest, and spoke with him when he was able to hear. In a still small voice he spoke, not in a loud angry condemning voice.

May Jesus comfort you and minister to you, may He give you a future and a hope. One day when life was just getting to me and I was getting a bit down again, I wrote the following and it helped me be encouraged again:

When you’re getting downcast and feel like God isnt blessing you and keeping you, remember that Jesus, who thought it not robbery to be equal to God, humbled Himself and made Himself of no reputation, taking on the form of man. Because of the time when He had to come down here to live as a man, He had no hot running water, no cold running water either. God gave me hot water and denied it to His Son, I who don’t deserve it. Jesus had to use an outhouse, He knows how to couch surf, and eat whatever they served Him, or whatever He found on the way. Once He couldn’t even find a fig to eat, and He did curse the tree. He didn’t have a donkey, He had to borrow one. It didn’t go from zero to sixty in 6 seconds, it didn’t have air conditioning, it wasn’t even an old model held together with baling wire and duct tape. Those women were always washing His feet because they were so dirty. He cleared the temple and rebuked the rich and the pharisees so that we would know that He hates social injustice too.

He was misunderstood, and reproached and scorned. The church rejected Him, most people of stature ignored Him. If they did want to talk to Him they stole away in the night to see Him, lest any of their friends should see them talking to Him. When He really, really needed a friend they all fled away, some cursing and denying they even knew Him. He knows what it is like to have God not answer His prayers the way He preferred. He knows what it is like when God could stop it all and doesn’t and it wasn’t because He didn’t pray hard enough, or because He had done anything wrong. By not answering Jesus’ prayer in the garden of gethsemane, I think God said clearly, If there was any other way, you know I would do it, but I want to save them all.

He knows what it is like to be in a situation when you think God has forsaken you. He said, My God, why have you forsaken Me? He couldn’t raise Himself from the dead, He was dead. God knew the struggle and hardship, He counts every tear and none is wasted, they are in a bottle in heaven. God makes rainbows out of tears. God didn’t leave Him there in the grave forever, He raised Him up alive forevermore and crowned Him with a crown of eternal glory. He said ‘There is a crown laid up in heaven for you also. Fear not, little flock, it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. I weep when you weep, I long to see you so…“

Jonah was still mad at God. (This one is kinda gross if you have a weak stomach.)

Things went pretty well when I decided to quit trying to die. I got a job i liked, I quit drinking and i was doing really well. Doing so well that i got really proud and slightly arrogant. Well some said very arrogant.

I remembered how before I had lost the house and moved the only place i could, in the mountains, no house, and there were lots of free range cattle that kept knocking my outhouse over. I built a small house there that the cattle couldnt knock over, and i felt really good. I remembered how I had worked and worked and gotten that first apartment with just me and the kids, somehow i had gone from suicidal to full of pride- “ha nothing can get me down, i always land on my feet! I am a survivor I can do this all by myself! ”

In this new town i was fantastic at my job too! I got a lot of compliments and even an award. I was so sure of myself that i went to a bar with a friend of mine who was determined to relapse because her husband was divorcing her. So she wouldnt get a ticket for driving under the influence, i became her designated driver. I had 6 months sober at the time. After watching her drink a lot of drinks, I had a few. She was pretty belligerent when drunk and started a fight with some really large Samoan men at a pool table in the bar. So we left the bar very early in the morning and as were walking to the car, she rushed over to me and hugged me from behind with all her might, which was very very much indeed. I landed on the cement face down. I told her to drive herself home and i started walking home angry, blood from my face dripping down my white shirt. She did get a DUI. And i got a big scab on my forehead from the impact, which i didnt really pay much attention to until the next day when i went to an aa meeting.

everyone at the meeting asked me if i was catholic because it was ash Wednesday, too funny, i had no idea what ash Wednesday even was. when i related my utter stupidity to the group, a woman said to me, “Sounds like the hand of God! You surely would have gotten a driving while intoxicated ticket and jail!” she was absolutely right.

I was still arrogant as could be and i noticed a few weeks later that i had this foot fungus. It got so bad i had to go to a doc. the thing with that foot fungus is that your toenails start raising up in the middle of the nail. it looks like a dog toenail or a bird toenail eventually and you cant even clip them and you have to get them removed or take some medicine that isnt prescribed to people with lousy insurance. So i listened to the doc explaining how he was going to remove all my toenails and i kept hearing this inside “…and those that walk in pride he is able to abase. Dan 4:37

so i ignored that voice and had to go several times to the doc and have that toe surgery and still was able sometimes to keep working my job that i got plaques of accomplishment for and i kept hearing that, “those that walk in pride he is able to abase.”

finally i looked it up in the bible and found this story of a guy named “O king Nebuchadnezzar”, it goes like this:

The king spake, and said, Is not this great Babylon, that I have built for the house of the kingdom by the might of my power, and for the honour of my majesty?  While the word was in the king’s mouth, there fell a voice from heaven, saying, O king Nebuchadnezzar, to thee it is spoken; The kingdom is departed from thee.  And they shall drive thee from men, and thy dwelling shall be with the beasts of the field: they shall make thee to eat grass as oxen, and seven times shall pass over thee, until thou know that the most High ruleth in the kingdom of men, and giveth it to whomsoever he will.  The same hour was the thing fulfilled upon Nebuchadnezzar: and he was driven from men, and did eat grass as oxen, and his body was wet with the dew of heaven, till his hairs were grown like eagles’ feathers, and his nails like birds’ claws.  And at the end of the days I Nebuchadnezzar lifted up mine eyes unto heaven, and mine understanding returned unto me, and I blessed the most High, and I praised and honoured him that liveth for ever, whose dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom is from generation to generation:  And all the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and among the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou? Dan 4:30-35

I repented sooooo fast. I prayed everything I could find in the bible against pride. I asked Jesus to deliver me and keep me from pride and anything like it. Every time i see my toes i thank God for anything that will bring me closer to Jesus and keep me there! sorry if this story grossed you out.

“Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee. For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalms 139:7-16 

every morning when i wake up i look in the mirror and see a scar on my forehead, and i thank God, i put my socks on and see my toes, and i thank God. I read the bible, not to see if i can learn how to walk on water, or to find the perfect mix of mud and spit to put on peoples eyes, i read it to see what is He like, this Jesus who loves me so. i told Him the other day that my problem wasnt Him loving me, it was that i didnt love Him enough. He showed me a scripture and told me to pray it backwards. ” the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. Romans 5:5 “

i always had prayed that He would show me His love, and He always did, now i pray that He will also gift me that i may love Him by His Spirit. And it is awesome. I love Jesus more than life itself. Eventually my kids ran away from my ex’s and came back to live with me. My ex said that was fine as long as it didnt cost him anything. They grew up and now i have 4 grandchildren that i love dearly. I have a picture of a sea otter on my desk, that one of my daughters drew for me, just in case i forget. And i have a white flag on my desk too to remind me of my surrender. I surrender to Jesus love. I am saved by Grace alone, and oh what grace.

God knew why Jonah was so angry

You might be asking yourself, why would Jesus go to such extremes to save me? Why wouldn’t God just let me go? I think its because God knew why this Jonah was so angry. He knows me perfectly.

When I got saved I was a new creature, I was instantly delivered from drugs and alcohol and lived in the love of God and fellowship with Jesus for 7 years. And then my marriage fell apart. We were unequally yoked now. I began having to say things like, ‘please don’t leave your drug paraphernalia on the coffee table with the kids playing in here’ because the toddler tried to drink out of a bong. Or, ‘we need grocery money,  or I don’t like having all your high and drunk friends here with the kids, can you party at their house instead?’ I wasn’t mean about it but I was concerned for my kids. I had been looking into options for living elsewhere and taking the kids with me. And then one day the police knocked on my door and said that our babysitter had called them because one of my daughters had been assaulted, in my house. My ex filed for divorce after the police investigation and hired a lawyer leaving me without any money to hire one for myself.

This Jonah was angry at God because I had to watch my children leave my house in a police car because they wouldn’t leave on their own. I had to watch impotently as my children were driven away to live in a place where they would be horribly abused and tormented, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had to listen to their cries once a week on the phone if he allowed them to talk to me. They called the police numerous times from their new house and when cps or the police responded they were given lectures about obeying and not being rebellious. They were told by the police that if they just did what my ex told them to they would be fine.

   I knew firsthand what they were facing, I had gone through it all as a child myself. I knew that they would think it was their fault, or God’s fault, or that no one cared. I knew their pain and relived my own every day.

Instead of drawing closer to Jesus, I let lies and anger take me far away from Him. I believe that “Jobs friends” are like demons that follow people around and whisper lies in their ear all day long during trying times.  One of the biggest lies I had believed was about my own abuse as a child. When I gave my life to Jesus and He showed me how great and awesome God was, I was left with a question I could not answer. If God is so big and powerful and omnipotent, did HE Cause it, or allow it intentionally?

After the Lord was able to get a reign on me and make me able to hear Him again, He showed me this scripture: 

And they built the high places of Baal, which are in the valley of the son of Hinnom, to cause their sons and their daughters to pass through the fire unto Molech; which I commanded them not, neither came it into my mind, that they should do this abomination, to cause Judah to sin. Jeremiah 32:35

He didn’t cause it or send it.  When terrible things happen that we cannot understand, the devil convinces us that it is God’s will or it wouldn’t have happened so that we will get angry and blame God and turn away from Jesus. Jesus never lets go. When we give our lives to Him, He takes them. He never quits till the day we are face to face with Him and God wipes away all our tears.

 I could not bear it when my children left, I didnt know then that I could have gone closer to God and been carried through the whole horrible ordeal. The truth that I now know is that He goes through that same thing every single day with His children. Jesus showed me the day God had to sit, with “hands tied” and watch His Son delivered up to something so horrible that no father could bear to see, and do nothing. It is beyond my comprehension how God was able to do that, and why He would love anyone like us enough to do that. And how He is able to bear (loving His children even so much more than I love my own), watching us daily being driven away to be abused and tormented and listening to the lies that say God caused this, or the ones that say, just do what they tell you and you will be fine. We will never be fine unless we are walking daily holding His hand, listening to His guidance. Then when something horrible happens He can get us through it. Instead of being stronger and trying harder He wants us to come to Him in our weakness and brokenness. He is the only One that can bear the weight of this world. In America we are taught that real men don’t cry, and that to be vulnerable is weakness. In America we are taught that it is ok to be angry and indignant so when we really want to just cry and say, this is more than I can bear, we put on anger instead. But Jesus wept.

 The chapters that follow in this book are areas where He showed me how to be free from the chains that bound me. I had to throw away my own understanding and go to Jesus and let Him show me things from His perspective. “Lean not on your own understanding but trust in the Lord”.

I had to stop thinking about things from my perspective, or my countries perspective, and look above to see God’s perspective.

Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness. And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain. 1 Cor 3:18-20

But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ, And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith: That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death; If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead. Phil 3:7-11

But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery, even the hidden wisdom, which God ordained before the world unto our glory: Which none of the princes of this world knew: for had they known it, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. 1 Cor 2:7-8

Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness. And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain. 1 Cor 3:18-20

Instead of judging the church or the people that hurt me, I wrote this book more to say, like Joseph said to his brothers that sold him into slavery to Egypt, “And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God? But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.”  Gen 50:19-20

Maybe Jesus kept me alive so i could help others through similar desperate times.

  While I had been serving Pharoah all those years, I took notes of what the Lord showed me about me and about Jesus.

My earnest hope is that those that read this book will find Jesus, face to face and come to know His great mercy and grace, that they may walk with the Living God.

  I did not write this book to judge the church, there is One Judge. I wrote it to say, let us look to Jesus again. Lets start over from the beginning.