That emptiness inside

I kept hearing “Jesus loves you, you need to repent, ask Jesus into your heart and start living right”. People that went to church said that to me and I always thought, you have no idea what it is like to be me. You sitting there in your fine house with your fine friends, driving your fine auto. But I really knew I needed to change so I did venture into a church. they told me to repent and quit living like I was. I didn’t need them to tell me I was messed up, I already knew that. They kept telling me to stop drinkin and sleepin around, if I coulda done that I would have years ago. I went back to drinking.

A while later I ventured into another church. Wow, this one was full of fire and brimstone! ‘Repent or you will burn in hell you wicked sinners”, followed by pass that plate and I don’t want to hear any change!!! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps! I couldn’t even find my boots! I went back to drinking, and thought about getting a bumper sticker that said: “God save me from your children!”

I heard stories of Jesus of Nazareth and I always figured if I could find Him I would be ok. But I could never find him. I developed a great sense of loneliness, a need to fit in somewhere. I found that I could find fellowship in bars and nightclubs. I found that sinners would accept me, they knew who they were and were quick to invite others into their inner circles. “The fellowship of the unworthy that knew they were unworthy.” No judgement there, no having to measure up to fit in, no condemnation, they were quick to share anything they had that others might need. I went back to the company of the sinners that knew they were sinners, the fellowship of the outcasts. because there I fit in, there people liked me. I had some friends there that would lay down their life for me. They might steal my dope and then help me look for it, but if things got serious they would stand up for me. I like to be good at everything I do, so I practiced drinkin loggers under the table.

I started doing things that I never would have done sober , I drank more so I wouldn’t have to feel bad about myself. I tried to quit drinking, I went to detox, that didn’t work. I went to aa, didn’t work cause when I got sober I thought about me, I didn’t want to do a fourth step because I couldnt look at myself. by then I was drinking to stay numb so I didn’t have to look at all the stuff I had done or think about the stuff that had been done to me and I hated myself, my guilt was too much to carry.

One night when all the stores were closed, before 7-11 was invented, I ran out of alcohol. I was having very bad dt’s and so I decided it would be great to break into the neighbors house. I knew they were christians but I figured they would have some good christian cooking wine! when I got inside I noticed they were hunters and had guns, if the old man hadnt been snoring I might not be here talking to you! His wife woke up while I was banging around the cupboards though. she came out into the kitchen and instead of shooting me, she told me that Jesus loved me and that he had the power to change me. She said it didn’t matter that I couldn’t, that Jesus had the power and it was in the Holy Spirit and all I had to do was ask Him. My life was so messed up by that time I was desperate to try anything. I actually prayed, Jesus I need you, I don’t even care if you turn me into an airhead christian, please help me! And He did, that woman prayed that I would be filled with the Holy Spirit and all my withdrawals quit instantly. More than that I had this tremendous love in my heart, I was full of peace and I knew that God really did love me, even me. That woman gave me a bible.

I went home and started reading it, I decided I would just ignore everything anyone had ever told me about Jesus and read the thing myself. Boy was I surprised.